Life after Suicide

When I was a young boy I met Phil. I hated this boy because he was protecting his brothers, ones that I would constantly have issues with. The tension escalated between Phil and I more each day because his brothers would start a fight and run behind Phil. Over time, Phil noticed his brothers were getting him into trouble and noticed it wasn’t just me trying to fight his brother. His brothers were starting these fights hoping he would back them up. Phil had brothers, John Lee and Dubber and a sister Corra. Over time Phil and I became friends and shortly after becoming friends we became best friends. At this time, Phil and I were 11 years old and we had become insperateable. It seemed that we both needed each other an once we found each other it was friends till the end.
I was an only child so when Phil entered my life as friends, we ended up acting more like brothers then friends. Over the years Phils Parents started to make some crazy decisions. His mother left the house they had and packed all the kids up to live with a man. Shortly after that relationship failed they were on the street living in shelters. I still remember picking Phil up and the only thing he really wanted to do was take a shower and sleep. I used to pick Phil up every weekend and we would hang all weekend. I dreaded going back to his mother and in the shelters. The state finally stepped in when they were kicked out of all the shelters and were living in the car. Four kids and two adults living in a car in the winter. His mother had married a person she found in the shelters. This was the start of the kids being taken from the state. All the kids were separated. Phil ended up with an uncle and the two brothers were sent to different adoption homes. Corra was placed in a great home with loving parents.
Shortly after Phil was put with his uncle, he was placed in an adoption home. It amazes me how people who have adoption homes pass the criteria to do so. The people that Phil was living with sold pounds of Marijuanna out of that house. So needless to say Phil didn’t last at that house very long. By this time we were 14 and getting into trouble. Phil was a ” Rebel without a cause” and I was following his tracks. We feed of each other, He was a very smart kid and I was good at talking to people. See, that the problem.. Phil was intelligent, a whiz in math and loved to work on cars. The one thing Phil was’t good with was women. He fell head over heals for women, but also cared what people thought about who ever he was dating. Also when he was around his friends he would become an ass to whoever he was dating. This didn’t sit well with who he was dating and ultimately lead to a break up.
Toward our teenage years Phil changed. He became more into doing what was right instead of being Mr. bad boy all the time. Don’t get me wrong he had his moments where he did stupid shit but it was growing further apart. When he was 15 the state dropped him off at our house and we adopted him legally. This actually took a long time for Phil to adjust to. He would always come and stay at my house but he never lived there. He always respected my mother and loved her very much. He finally settled in and became a great part of our family.
While living with us Phil started down the right path, or at least a better path then he was. No matter how much we all though Phil had things under control, he seemed to sabotage every good thing. We even called him ” An Accident waiting too happen” because, he always seemed to never catch a break. Even when the state gave him a full ride to college, he had to many DUI’s and lost his license. Even when he went back to school the state would pay half and he gave it up. He was a hard worker, he built houses and even sided houses for a long time. He also liked to party, but he always made it to work. I think he never felt that he would amount to anything, because all the way up to his teenage years he never had support. Sure his friends and my mother supported him and always told him how smart he was, he wouldn’t believe it.
Then came the love of his life….. Kaylee came into Phil’s life and we all saw a huge change in Phil. He was father and I though a great one at that. He loved e with all his heart and I KNEW HE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER. I still remember him playing for hours with her and would do anything she wanted him to do. The minute she was born, she had him wrapped around her finger. Somehow even through all the love Phil had in his life, he still had a major demon he was fighting. For some reason, I remember him saying he wouldn’t make it past 30. I guess you hear stupid shit all the time people say, but you don’t really put two and two together. We all saw a huge change in Phil and it was a good change.
The problem with people who commit suicide is you don’t know its coming or why. There are people that speak out but those people are not the suicide type. People like Phil have already made up their mind that this is what they are going to do. He also knew if he would’ve said anything to anyone we would have tried to stop him. Most people that have suicide on their mind usually need people to make them feel better. Phil didn’t want that at all. The day before he commited suicide he told us he was going to buy a plane ticket to Kentucky for my Grandfathers Birthday. He hugged his daughter like it was going to be his last. He did spend 24 hours fighting this thought, but in the end he went ahead with it.
Now you could say there was crazy things Phil did before he committed suicide and maybe we should have been more receptive to them. Honestly even when phil was acting completely weird 12 hours before he committed suicide his buddy though he was just drunk. At no time did he mention he was depressed or that he hated his life or any sign that he was sick. Like I said, some people need that attention, Phil wasn’t one of them. He had made his mind up and that was that, he was gone 😦 My best friend and brother gave up and had enough of the demon he was fighting.
I see pictures of his daughter and think of what he has missed and what he will miss. I still think of Phil not as much as I used to, but certain music or things we used to do just bring back memories. Writing my emotions and this blog I fight the tears because I see his face and his smile. I MISS MY BEST FRIEND AND MY BROTHER. I wish he was hear with me and telling what to do. I always looked up to phil and now I am on my own. A single child again……………….
It’s amazing what happens to you when you go through a tragic event. Death of course tops them all, but suicide is the type of death that we can’t understand. People that commit suicide we label as sick mentally. I agree that people that commit suicide have some kind of mental sickness. Phil Loved His Daughter, and for him to give that up had too be one painful demon to over come. See some people call it sickness, I call suicide a demon. We talk to ourselves all the time about anything. Suicide has to be something to decide and commit to. This would take your thoughts convincing you to go through with it. If you have a faith background we believe at times that we hear GOD or Jesus talk to us. I believe these thoughts of suicide and the discussion you have to make this commitment is a talk between you and a demon. Yes it’s a mental sickness scientifically but spiritually I think its a demon that takes over. In Phil’s case the demon one and convinced Phil it was ok to do what he did. I know that some people that read this blog will disagree with the way I think. This is what I believe….
Your whole path of life changes when someone is stripped away from your life. I remember plans of our kids playing together and we both best mans at each others weddings. Growing old and watching our grand kids play. At the time Phil committed suicide, I was looking for a job. I knew that I was going to be let go from my job and my ex and I had just gotten back from Virginia. We liked the company and really it was a top contender for our future. I remember Phil talking about maybe trying to get out there with us. I know he and his ex were still finding out their own path since they had Kaylee and were separating. It was weighing hard on Phil that we might be leaving especially mom. As it turned out we stayed and had a another 2 years in Colorado. After phil committed suicide we decided to leave Colorado. Once the family was in a position to leave the state we left. I look back at all the thoughts we had about being together and now I am 1500 miles away from home.
This birthday we would 35 and I miss that fact it will be another one that he has missed. Time flys and I think we only realize it when we think of what other people have missed