This will be my first blog. I am getting my inspiration from my cousins Julie and Jennifer. I figure this would help me get my frustration on paper a hopefully make me feel better about this new path of my life. I moved to North Carolina a year and half ago too be closer to family. My kids were getting older and I wanted them to have to be close to this side of their family. I remember growing up, my mom and aunt would take me to Kentucky. There, the whole family would meet up and we would all be together. These were treasured memories and I knew that when Papa died, it would be a challenge to keep the family together. So we packed the houses up and moved to North Carolina. Now we are closer to the family and my kids will have the opportunity to be with their cousins. Since all of my cousins are having kids, it seems to be the right time for us to be out here.

Shortly after arriving here in North Carolina, the most destructive news hit all of us. Rachel had decided to move on from our family and start another life with someone else. While mom and I were packing the house’s up in Colorado, Rachel was falling in love with someone ( Patrick ) in Pennsylvania. So for the next year and 20,000$ in attorney fees, Rachel and I proceeded to come to some kind of child custody arrangement. She wanted half time with the kids and after a year of having 5 or more days a week, I wasn’t about to give that much time to Rachel. Plus, I felt that she needed to feel that she hurt us ( Mom, I, and Gaynell ).

Rachel and Mom were close. When I met Rachel, she didn’t know anyone in Colorado Springs. She had just got out of the military and was going through a divorce from her first husband Mike. So, mom and her quickly became good friends and eventually became best friend( So we Thought ). Mom really helped us out with the kids when Rachel was going through school and when I was working in California. when I was eventually laid off and I to went back o school, mom stepped up and helped with the kids. Rach and I were in school at the same time and needed that extra person to help with dinner and over nights with the kids.

Before Maddie was born and Rachel was pregnant with Maddie, we changed as a couple. Things became more distant and how we saw each other changed. It happened to both of us and ruffly at the same time. I knew that something was wrong with Rachel. She has stopped talking to me about things that were wrong. We became angry at each other and the little things started to irritate us. During one of the check ups for Maddie I ran into an old fling. Shortly after that she friended me on Facebook and we started talking about the old days and how our lives had changed since we had las talked. eventually we were talking everyday and it was nice. I could really get a lot of my chest and I felt great that I could relieve a lot of this frustration I had with Rachel. By this time Rachel’s mom had come to stay with us because Rachel was having a hard time with Maddie. She was supposed to be on bed rest and I was still working. Truth is, Rachel was still doing a lot around the house and her mom just sat around and smoked cigarettes.

I started to talk to this old fling more and more. An offer landed in my lap to work in California for a year. The money would be great and I knew that my time with INTEl was limited. By this time I had been talking to my old fling for a few months and Ii thought that I wanted this to go further. Rachel and I had still been going down hill fast between us even faster that her mom was in town. I went over too my old flings house and almost pulled the trigger. I stopped myself because I saw my family flash in front of me and I saw what I would loose if I would continue down this path. I left that house never to return and I truly believe to this day that I am changed man because of what I almost had done. I have never been that close to committing to do something so wrong. I came home and started to see a different side of myself. I wanted to change how Rachel and I committed and really rebuild this relationship. I talked her into counseling and for a while I thought we were on the right track. It seemed that I was wrong and she had other plans…..

Now, court is done and Rachel and I are trying to figure out this next part of our lives. We are both moving in separate directions pulled together by the kids. No matter how different Rachel and I are, we still have to come together and work together for the kids. I had mentioned Patrick in the above post. Jacob and Maddie really like him. I have yet to meet MR. Patrick. I know that I will have to at some point, but right now I still can’t wrap my head around meeting him. I know that at some point I too will meet someone and I am sure it will be weird for Rachel to meet her especially if I decide to marry her. My biggest problem with Patrick isn’t that fact that Rachel is now with him, it’s he helped in making me decide when I can now see my kids. I have a 6 days now when I don’t have me kids instead of the luxury of seeing them everyday.

So I do what I know best, and that’s just take one day at a time. I know that the kids and I will adjust to the new schedule. I know that at some point the kids and I will see each other more. I know that they know that I love them. I try everyday to make sure they know how much even if it’s just a prayer. Well, lets see how far these post go…. It’s good that I have decided to do this but at the same time I am vulnerable to peoples opinion. Even though I am very outspoken person I am very guarded when really knowing something about me. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I have some blame for why I am in this position. Rachel and I were on our way out years ago and we both didn’t try to save our relationship. What I do know is; se could have broken away from us in a better way.